Going to Oxford University: A Dream Left Unfulfilled

I wish I were not a girl; a simple sentence, yet one filled with pain. A sentence that came out of my mouth after years of struggle. I had become so tired and weary of being a girl that, for a moment, I felt I no longer had the strength to keep going. I had reached a point where my entire being was burning from within; my heart ached, and my throat was filled with suppressed tears.

For six years, I had been trying to obtain a scholarship to continue my education. Once, in 2025, I was accepted by one of the colleges in Toronto, Canada, but I could not find a sponsor because I come from a family that cannot afford to support the cost of studying outside Afghanistan, especially in a country like Canada.

Despite all these difficulties, I did not give up. I continued pursuing my education and submitting university applications even more determinedly than before. Along the way, two of my professors—one in the United States and the other in Canada—supported me by helping cover my application fees. They always told me, “Maryam, keep pursuing university; do not stop trying until you succeed.”

Within one month, I applied to fifteen universities in the United Kingdom and Canada. I received rejection letters from thirteen universities. But I never saw those rejections as the end of the road; instead, I saw them as stepping stones that would help me rise and continue more strongly. Sometimes, when I saw rejection emails, tears would fill my eyes, but I would tell myself, “This is not the end of the road.”

Amid the chaos of life and the anxiety surrounding my applications, my acceptance letter from Oxford University suddenly arrived—the university I had dreamed of studying at for years. When I saw the acceptance email, I screamed with joy and told myself, “This time, you finally did it.”

Alongside that, I also received a scholarship through an organization. At that moment, I felt as though a great door of educational opportunities outside Afghanistan had opened before me. I imagined a new life for myself at university: new friends, classrooms, a new city, and experiences I had worked toward for years.

I felt like a girl who had been deprived of education for years and had suddenly been given a bright window of opportunity; a moment when you want to shout with all your heart, “See? I did it!” A smile appears on your face, tears of joy fill your eyes, and you count down the moments until you can finally reach the university. Every time I scrolled through Instagram, I watched videos of Oxford University and imagined that soon I would be walking through those same halls.

I had even promised myself that once I entered university, I would help girls who, like me, had been left behind halfway through their journeys; girls who were confused and did not know the right way to apply to universities. I had even prepared the clothes I would wear on my first day at university and upon arriving in England. I had told my professor in England to come and welcome me at the airport when I arrived. Every day, I imagined another part of my future life in England.

The day we submitted my UK visa application was not simply the submission of a visa application for me; it felt like the day I was saying goodbye to many of the restrictions and injustices I had experienced for years. I remember that day clearly; I was so happy that I could hardly contain myself. Even while uploading my academic documents to the visa application, I told myself, “Next time, I will take these certificates of achievement, invitations, recommendation letters, and transcripts out of my suitcase in England and place them in my room.”

The first time I heard that visa issuance for Afghans had been suspended, it felt like a cruel joke. I could not believe it. I still believed in going to my university and in making it there. But today, when I received an email from Oxford University itself, I realized that the email was not merely a simple message; it was the collapse of a dream I had built in my mind for years.

The moment I read the email, I was in shock, and tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks. Amid war and instability in my country, I had managed to take one step closer to my education, but in the end, I did not succeed.

At that moment, I felt as though the world had suddenly become very small and suffocating, as if there were no room left for me to breathe. Amid all that sorrow, I said to myself, “I wish I were not a girl.”

It was a bitter thought that came from the depths of exhaustion and despair; from years of effort that still had not reached its destination. Sometimes I ask myself: How strong can a girl be expected to stand, and how much pressure can she carry on her shoulders?

Today, I feel a deep wound in my heart and soul. But I know this is not only my experience. Many girls were waiting to receive their visas so they could begin a new life, but with one unjust decision, their dreams collapsed.

I had the courage to overcome all this pain, hoping for the day I would study at Oxford University. But now I see that when you are a girl, sometimes you are forced to endure many hardships; things you never chose for yourself.

I ask myself: What have girls done wrong that they must pay such a price? Decisions like these can sometimes cause some girls to unwillingly enter forced marriages or lose their motivation to continue living, because they have tried, yet the opportunity to continue their journey has been taken away from them.

Despite everything, I still hope that one day we will not have to leave our homeland in order to pursue education, a better life, and peace; a day when no girl will have to endure such bitter experiences simply because she dreams of getting an education.